“Twas three weeks before Christmas
and all through the town…
Office parties were starting
and drinks were being downed
When at this one function,
one guy got through
And asked his sexy boss,
can I teabag you….”
I know this guy very well.
And he is no longer an FC at a Fortune 500 Wall Street firm that we all know and love. He’s doing well and right about now, he’s probably enjoying his company’s holiday festivities like everyone else.
Of course, if he had it his way he would have never been forced to leave said company, and his wife wouldn’t look at him cross-eyed every time he orders a Grande Chai Latte.
What my buddy did was make the fatal flaw of violating office party etiquette. It’s a fine line between what’s acceptable and what’s a little too “risqué” when you mix adults and all of the free booze you can drink for the next five hours. Lines will inevitably be crossed and in many cases, both parties will willingly sidestep common sense and proceed with spiked-eggnog-fueled stupidity.
I’ve been there and done it myself and will probably still find myself in sticky situations this Yuletide season that a man like myself shouldn’t be in. Because well, that’s what we’re supposed to do this time of year. Right?
Okay, maybe I just enjoy getting intoxicated and saying things I only mutter now to my co-workers.
But I encourage you to be better than me and my buddy and the countless others who have gone on to office infamy.
Did I ever tell you the story about the guy who did the “nutcracker” at the chewies table?
Know him too.
I still believe someone slipped acid in my Scotch.
Bad trips aside, as you make the rounds of the corporate, semi-corporate, mom-and-pop, or just plain ole work office party here are a few scenarios to remember to ensure that you aren’t making a New Year’s resolution about “finding a new job.”
1. You want him. He wants you. After a few Don Julio shots before the party with the rest of the girls in your department, you decided to ditch your underwear at the bar. Somehow you believe he knows this and let’s just say you’re extremely interested in what he might have to say about your panty-lessness. Before you stumble over to him and ask, “What do you think?” truly consider if you would like this to be the first question you’ve ever asked him in your life. Sure you’ve seen each other in the hallway, and he’s kind of cute, but is this truly putting your best foot forward? The best thing to do is just smile and eat something, that once walked on all fours.
Of course, there are two sides to every story….
Because….
2. She’s been staring at you and smiling all night. You popped a couple of Viagra and right now you’re about an hour away from having to make that emergency phone call. She absolutely wants you and everyone in the room can see this. The best thing to do is walk over to her and ask her if she wants to party. That worked in college right? Of course, back then you were really talking about something else and you don’t do illegal substances anymore…. Except on special occasions. Like this one. At the office party. That’s it. You’ll go and get your stash out of the car and come back up and then ask her. She’ll get the hint and you’ll be the next James Bond having sex in the restroom on the 55th floor. Stop right there cowboy. The only bond coming in this scenario is the bail bond you’re going to need to get you out of jail. Go and fetch a glass of water and put some ice on that thing.
Which will lead to this. Because let’s face it, we’re at the office party and @#it happens.
3. He’s coming right towards you. You’ve been standing here at the punch bowl for the past twenty minutes because you watched Mike from Accounts Payable just pour a gallon of Wild Turkey into the mix. Mike’s a Southerner, just like you and southern folks love their Wild Turkey. Of course, you and Mike have no clue that Terry in Marketing put half a missile of the Goose in the same bowl. Damn this tastes good. As a matter of fact, it tastes so good that you’re going to impress this guy with the incredible bulge in his pants by drinking the whole thing. You place both arms around the bowl and prepare for the biggest gulp of your life.
Remember it’s the office party someone is always watching….
So….
4. “Damn,” you think. That really hot girl from…. What department does she work in again? Who cares. She’s looking like she’s about to get sick in the punch bowl. Maybe I should help her out.” You decide that’s not such a great idea, because well after all if she gets sick right now, she will do so on your jacket and you won’t be able to ever look her in the face again. You had always considered taking her out but just hadn’t really bothered to ask. It’s the office party and you don’t want to seem too pushy, since you’ve only been working there for six months and haven’t quite figured out the lay of the land just yet. You sure could use a drink though. You watch the hot girl who is now staggering with the punch bowl in her arms. You know this is going to get ugly and for her own protection and maintenance of any pride that may be left inside of her, you turn away.
As you do, you notice the chick with all of the chicks and wait….. is she not wearing underwear under that incredibly tight dress?
Just like that, it happens. The Office Party confusion. Everyone’s looking for something, but most aren’t sober enough to tell you what it is. The only real advice that I can give is to be smart. Everything you see is not always real. And everything that’s real is not what you always see.
Have fun, be safe, and remember, “It’s a jungle out there in these streets.”
Hope this helps. Happy Office Party Season!
D